Why Failing Hit Me Harder Than I Expected

The Big Fat F That Changed Me

You think you’re past the point of failing.
That after 35 years of leading, succeeding, and showing up —
you’ve earned some kind of immunity.
But then you get the email.

And it punches you in the stomach.

A few months ago, I failed.

Not the kind of quiet, internal “maybe I could’ve done better” moment.
This wasn’t my inner critic whispering self-doubt.
This was real, external, unmistakable failure. A coaching certification submission I worked hard on didn’t meet the criteria. I didn’t pass.

My first instinct wasn’t reflection — it was defense.

I blamed the reviewers.
I blamed my schedule.
I blamed the process.
Eventually, I blamed myself.

But blame has a short shelf life.
It kept me spinning, but it didn’t move me forward.
And after a few days of spiraling (closer to a week, if I’m being honest), I hit a wall.

That’s when I remembered a principle I’ve used with clients for years — the 10% Rule.
Even if only 10% of the problem is yours, own that part fully.
Because ownership is what unlocks progress.

So I asked myself: What part of this failure is mine to own?
That question cracked something open.

(Want to go deeper on this mindset? I wrote about it here: Outperform the Blame Game)

The failure wasn’t just about the submission.
It was a spotlight — and it lit up something deeper: my beliefs.

The ones that form when we’re young and quietly drive behavior long after we think we’ve outgrown them.

The ones that sound like this:

• I need to be early and over-prepared.
• If I’m not doing something, I’m wasting time.
• If you want it done right, do it yourself.
• Asking for help is weakness.

These beliefs may seem laughable at times — but they quietly drive our decisions.
They loop in the background, often without us realizing it, and they show up in the most ordinary situations.

If you don’t believe me, just ask my wife.
She’ll tell you I physically can’t sit still after I’ve finished eating.

They also showed up in how I handled this certification process — I just didn’t notice it at the time.

I didn’t ask for feedback.
I didn’t reach out to others.
I didn’t pause long enough to notice what I might be missing.
I thought I had to do it all myself.
And I paid the price.

These belief structures don’t vanish with age or experience — they go underground.
But when something shakes you, they come roaring back up.
And when they do, the most powerful thing you can do is see them clearly.

Some people call that self-awareness.
Turns out, it’s pretty useful.

So I swallowed hard — and asked for help.
From coworkers, from outside coaches, even from family.
And the insight they offered? It was tremendous.

That awareness, and the willingness to do something with it, shifted everything.

Still, part of me expected to bounce back like a ninja — quick, clean, and film-worthy.
I’m an employee, father, husband, friend, son… there’s no room to fall, let alone stay down.
What would Chuck Norris do in this situation?

But that’s not how it works.
At least not for most of us.

What helped wasn’t a breakthrough.
It wasn’t a hack or a mindset shift.
It was slowing down.

Sometimes getting back up isn’t one big moment — it’s a bunch of small ones.
Turning to your side.
Pushing up on one arm.
Shifting your weight.
Asking for help.

Little steps that don’t look like much — but over time, they move you forward.

I reviewed my submission. I took notes. I got honest.
Then I practiced more. I asked questions. I let others in.
And I resubmitted.

This time, I passed. I graduated the program.

But more than that — the awareness that I will always be a work in progress.

There’s no arrival point where the old beliefs disappear.
But awareness keeps them from running the show.

The goal isn’t to bounce back perfectly.
It’s to keep moving forward — even if it’s slow, awkward, or messy.

And so, I took a step, asked for help, and worked the problem.
Two more steps, more support. Then a few more — more practice, more insight.
And within a short time…success.

Key Takeaways:

1. Beliefs drive behavior. Pay attention to the ones that may be holding you back.
2. Getting unstuck usually happens in small, unremarkable steps. That’s still progress.
3. You don’t have to bounce back fast. You just have to keep moving.
4. Failure isn’t the end — it’s a flashlight. It shows you what needs to be seen.

To quote John Maxwell from Failing Forward:

“The more you do, the more you fail.
The more you fail, the more you learn.
The more you learn, the better you get.”

So next time something knocks you down, ask yourself:

What belief is showing up right now?
What story am I telling myself about what this means?
And what’s one small step I can take next?

Because getting up doesn’t always look like strength. Sometimes, it looks like soft awareness.
Sometimes, it looks like asking for help.
Sometimes, it looks like trying again — a little differently this time.

You don’t need to bounce. You just need to begin.